Idiomatic/Idiotic

Last night’s show was, well…interesting to say the least.

At one point I was describing Groovehouse‘s eagerness to answer and screen calls as we were inviting listeners to call in. I used the idiom “chafing at the bit” as in “Groovehouse is chafing at the bit to take your call.”

At this point I noticed someone on IRC and Phliktid having a good laugh I asked them to share what was so funny.

Apparently someone in IRC found great humor in my application of the word “chafing” and pointed out that it should be “chomping” or possibly “champing”, suggesting that “chafing” was incorrect and intimating that the connotations of “chafing” was strictly an inside the pants situation.

Basically he called me out on a mixed metaphor. I was horrified. Could I really have been using an incorrect figure of speech so egregiously all my life? That’s unpossible!

I struggled vainly to explain that it could totally be “chafing” when one considers that a horse straining against the bit of the bridle might chafe the inside of the horse’s mouth but he would have none of it.

For the sake of good radio I conceded my lifelong error and moved on. Until this morning when I did some research. As it turns out “chafing at the bit” is completely interchangeable with “chomping/champing at the bit” and is a widely accepted version of the idiom.

Exhibit A
Exhibit B
Exhibit C

IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTE!

Another incident involved the idiom “Curiosity killed the cat” used by a caller to describe his efforts to diagnose his own problem and perhaps going a bit too far and ending up doing more damage.

When the caller said that, I responded with a quick quip along the lines of “we like dead cats.” at which point one of our guests looked like he’d been hit by a truck. Oh yea, he’s a huge cat person. I should not have been surprised.

It certainly was not my intention to offend any cat lovers (although they are such easy targets). What I meant was that if curiosity kills cats then those who appreciate or participate in curious behavior (something that describes most nerds) must like dead cats.

Not literally! I was being idiomatic!

It’s not like we had a real bridle on Groovehouse chomping, chafing or otherwise. Of course no-one seemed to take issue with the idea when the idiom was used. No one rallyed to Groove’s cause when it might be suggested that, even if only idiomatically, he might be strapped into some type of riding harness. But use the word “dead” and the word “cat” in a sentence and watch out!

Anyway, I stand by my free lance idiom “I like dead cats” to describe my curiosity and offer it up unto the every-growing lexicon of language. In fact, upon further reflection and refinement of thought I would add “I’m killing a cat” and “I’m committing cat suicide” as ways to describe indulging in one’s curiosity.

For the record, I do like cats and I am in no way an advocate of killing them.

Request for help gone horribly wrong

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After my post about how to deal with IT people when seeking assistance one of my readers provided me with the following story from The Register.

Oklahoma city threatens to call FBI over ‘renegade’ Linux maker
Follow the link and scroll to the bottom to read the related stories.

The heartland turned vicious this week when an Oklahoma town threatened to call in the FBI because its web site was hacked by Linux maker Cent OS. Problem is CentOS didn’t hack Tuttle’s web site at all. The city’s hosting provider had simply botched a web server.

This tale kicked off yesterday when Tuttle’s city manager Jerry Taylor fired off an angry message to the CentOS staff. Taylor had popped onto the city’s web site and found the standard Apache server configuration boilerplate that appears with a new web server installation. Taylor seemed to confuse this with a potential hack attack on the bustling town’s IT infrastructure.

“Who gave you permission to invade my website and block me and anyone else from accessing it???,” Taylor wrote to CentOS. “Please remove your software immediately before I report it to government officials!! I am the City Manager of Tuttle, Oklahoma.”

Few people would initiate a tech support query like this, but these are dangerous times, and Taylor suspected the worst. (Er, but only the world’s most boring hacker would break into a site and then throw up a boilerplate about how to fix the hack.)

CentOS developer Johnny Hughes jumped on the case and tried to explain the situation to Taylor.

“I feel sorry for your city,” he replied in an e-mail. “CentOS is an operating system. It is probably installed on the computer that runs your website. . . . Please contact someone who does IT for you and show them the page so that they can configure your apache webserver correctly.”

That response didn’t go over so well.

“Get this web site off my home page!!!!! It is blocking access to my website!!!!~!,” Taylor responded, clearly excited about the situation and sensing that Bin Laden was near.

Again, CentOS jumped in to try and explain some of the technical details behind the problem. It pointed Taylor to this page, saying it was the standard page for a web server and noted that it provides instructions on how to fix the problem. The CentOS staffer suggested that Taylor contact his service provider or have an administrator look into the issue.

That response didn’t go over so well.

“Unless this software is removed I will file a complaint with the FBI,” Taylor replied.

Later he added,

“I have four computers located at City Hall. All of these computers display the same CentOS page when attempting to bring up Tuttle-ok.gov. Now if your software is not causing this problem, how does it happen??? No one outside this building has complained about this problem. This is a block of public access to a city’s website. Remove your software within the next 12 hours or an official complaint to the FBI is being filed!”

And later,

“I am computer literate! I have 22 years in computer systems engineering and operation. Now, can you tell me how to remove ‘your software’ that you acknowledge you provided free of charge? I consider this ‘hacking.'”

After a few more exciting exchanges, CentOS managed to track down the problem for Taylor. It turns out that hosting provider Vidia Communications is running CentOS on some of its servers and had not configured the Tuttle web site properly. CentOS informed Taylor of the situation, and, a day later, Taylor had calmed down.

“The problem has been resolved by VIDIA who used to host the City website,” he wrote. “They still provide cable service but do not host the website. The explanation was that they had a crash and during the rebuild they reinstalled the software that affected our website.”

“I am sorry that we had to go through the process and accusations to get the problem resolved. It could have been resolved a lot quicker if the initial correspondence with you provided the helpful information that was transmitted in the last messages. My initial contact with VIDIA disallowed any knowledge of creating the problem.”

Er, so despite the fact that CentOS went out of its way to figure out the problem for Tuttle, Taylor still places the blame on CentOS for not fixing the problem – that it didn’t create – sooner. In addition, Taylor didn’t really start off the whole process on the best foot despite Tuttle being a town “Where People Grow – Friendly!” Grow friendly, threaten to bring in the FBI at the drop of a hat – what’s the difference?

Dealing with your IT professional

There’s a lot of focus these days on customer service. And while it’s true that the service professional is responsible for his role in any customer service interaction, there are things that the customer can do to help facilitate a positive experience.

With that in mind, I offer these tips for dealing with your IT dept.

1. REBOOT YOUR COMPUTER

If you have not rebooted your PC to see if it clears up the problem you have done nothing. Many problems can be cleared up with a simple restart of your computer. If it’s locked up, force it to turn off by pulling the power if necessary.

When you call the helpdesk one of the first questions you are likely to be asked is “Did you reboot?” If you answer yes then you move on to phase 2 of the troubleshooting process. If you answer “No” you may be sent away to do so and have to get back into the queue for support.

Also keep in mind that just because you don’t see how a reboot could solve the problem does not mean it’s not a good thing to try. When it comes to asking for help with your computer, your understanding of the troubleshooting process is not essential to getting your problem resolved. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s true. When you call the helpdesk and you indicate you have already tried rebooting your computer the technician is likely to respond favorably to you and the rest of the troubleshooting process is likely to be way more pleasant.

It’s also quite likely that the reboot will make the call the to the helpdesk completely unnecessary and then EVERYBODY wins.

2. DON’T LIE

Your IT professional may ask you questions in the diagnosis process.
For example, the IT person may ask “Did you change anything?” to which most people reply “No, I didn’t change anything.”

Installing software programs counts as change.
Installing a security patch counts as change.
Adding or removing hardware components counts as change.
For the more painfully literal IT people the fact that you observed your computer running counts as change if you apply the Schrödinger’s Cat mental exercise. I pity you if you are cursed with such a technician.

Another common user lie is “I tried everything.” Obviously you DIDN’T try everything, or you wouldn’t be seeking help and you would have solved the problem yourself.

Speaking of trying things, if you are able to remember what you tried this can help the technician figure out how much worse you have made the original problem and guide them through the process undoing the additional damage caused by attempting to fix the problem yourself.

3. ASK GOOD QUESTIONS

Let’s say you arrive at work, turn on your computer and are unable to get to e-mail, you’re stock reports (which you shouldn’t be doing on company time, tsk tsk!) or communicate with your friends via AIM, Yahoo or whatever (again, TSK TSK!)

This first instinct of most users is to contact the helpdesk and ask “Is the Internet down?” to which the technician will usually respond to by saying “No.” This is because the Internet is not likely going to be completely down but since you asked, they answered. A good technician knows what you are really asking but is often so painfully literal that they will answer the question asked rather than try to determine what you really need.

A better way to approach this problem would be to say something along the lines of “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet, is there a network problem?” to which the answer may still be “No” but this will facilitate the process of determining why YOU cannot connect to the Internet.

4. DON’T OFFER USELESS INFORMATION

A common comment technicians hear is the phrase “It worked yesterday” or “It was working fine up until I got back from lunch.”

Well, duh. That’s what we in the business call BROKEN. The fact that something functioned before is not a guarantee it will work in the future. We know it worked fine before, that’s why we have not heard from you until now.

Just state the problem concisely. “My computer will not start” or “I’m being bombarded by porn pop-ups.”

We know your computer started yesterday and that you were pop-up free up until you cruised that non-work related web site during your lunch hour.

It’s not important and will not get your problem solved any faster.

You should also try to minimize guessing what you think the problem might be once the diagnosis has begun. Let the technician do his work.

Also, while technicians appreciate users being contrite and self effacing, you could exacerbate your problem if you subject your technician to the phrase “I’m computer illiterate” or “I know just enough to be dangerous.” It’s like those morons in the Renaissance Festival parade who go by saying “Smile and wave” not realizing that the poor patron standing there is going to have to hear that bit of cleverness from the next 50 parade participants marching by.

Say something meaningful like “I appreciate you taking the time to help me” and “Thanks.”

5. RESPECT YOU TECH’S PERSONAL TIME

In the course of the day you might see one of your IT people walking about. They are usually not just wandering aimlessly looking for someone to ask them a question. Chances are they are on their way to work on another problem or they are on a break. They might even be done for the day.

When you see one of your IT people walking by and you stop them and say “Quick question” you need to know that all questions are quick.

“What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?” is a quick question. What takes time is determining whether you mean an African Swallow or a European Swallow and details such as wind speed, air pressure, elevation and so forth. There simply is not enough time to answer your question before the elevator doors open or before it’s time to flush and wash up.

You should also keep in mind that if you flag down an IT person on the floor and ask them for something that can’t be done immediately they are going to forget in the time it takes them to make their way back to their desk. This is because they are probably going to be stopped a dozen more times and asked a “quick question” before they make it. If you need something from IT follow the procedure and submit a ticket or send an e-mail.

Besides, the problem you are having almost certainly existed before you saw the tech walk by and the fact that you have not contacted the helpdesk already would tend to indicate that the matter is not urgent.

These simple suggestions can go a long way toward endearing yourself to your IT department and can mean the difference between good tech support and excellent tech support.

Another initiate to the broadcast hole

Wednesday night’s broadcast of Technology Bytes will feature yet another guest host in the studio.

Tomorrow night we will be joined by Kyrie O’Connor. Kyrie is best known for her efforts at The Houston Chronicle blogs under the name MeMo writing about, well, read it yourself and you tell me.

She’s also an occasional guest on NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me program along with such notable talent as Paula Poundstone, P.J O’rourke, Sue Ellicott and others.

Kyrie has a long standing love hate relationship with my regular co-host, Dwight Silverman, who she affectionately calls Evil Dwight.

This should prove to be quite fun! Apparently she’s under the same impression.

Hey! NPR! Listen up!

This Friday! Great music combined with adults in their PJ’s!

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Please help spread the word about this Friday!!

What a lineup!

Clouseaux!

Aqua Velva!, Houston’s only and by default, BEST B-52’s cover band!

The Flying Fish Sailors!

And it’s a pajama party! Wear yours and get in FREE!

Molly and the Ringwalds will be doing they’re usual happy hour show from 7-9ish. There’s no guarantee they will wear pajamas but the rest of us will be adorned appropriately.

Flying Fish Sailors go on around 10 followed by Aqua Velva and then Clouseaux.

Woozle Wuzzle?

From this Wikipedia article:

The Simpsons, an animated series, has used and coined many neologism for humorous effect. The most famous example is Homer Simpson’s signature annoyed grunt, “D’oh!” which has been listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, in addition to smaller references such as OUP’s single-volume Oxford Dictionary of English (second edition).

Few of the following would qualify as neologisms from a strict lexicological perspective due to their extremely limited use outside of the show. For those that have found their way into regular use, the route passes through the considerable fan-base where use of these words carries the prestige of pop-cultural literacy among those who catch the references, just as among other cultural groups a clever parallel to a well-known phrase from the literary or rhetorical canon would be acknowledged.

The following, then, is presented more as a glossary of references than a list of neologisms. This list, however, is distinguished from other Simpsons-related lists by focusing on invented words and phrases rather than the names of specific characters or locations that are well documented elsewhere.

Many of these are intentional mutations, mispronunciations, amplifications, or portmanteaus of recognizable words that reveal or emphasize aspects of the characters using them. Homer, for example, often mispronounces words, showing his ignorance. Grandpa Simpson and Mr. Burns use obsolete or old-sounding words, which emphasize their age. And Professor Frink and Dr. Nick Riviera invent new scientific-sounding jargon to lend meager credibility to their obvious ineptitude.

Partial list of made up words from the Simpsons, courtesy of Wikipedia (check the article for even more):

1 Assal Horizontology
2 BBBQ
3 Beginulate
4 BiMonSciFiCon
5 Bloodening
6 Blurst
7 Boneis Eruptus
8 Boo-urns
9 Bort
10 Buh
11 Car Hole
12 Cheese-eating Surrender Monkeys
13 Chester A. Arthritis
14 Chocobots
15 Chocotastic
16 Clouseauesque
17 CompuGlobalHyperMegaNet
18 Craptacular
19 Cromulent
20 Dash Hole
21 Debigulator
22 De Fault
23 Diddly
24 Dickety
25 Donder-Blitzen
26 Dorkus Malorkus
27 Double-Bacon Geniusburger
28 Drunkening
29 Dumbening
30 Embiggen
31 Fit
32 Flupid Bloroplope
33 Flunjers, Capdabblers, Smendlers
34 Frinkahedron
35 Frogurt
36 Führerific
37 Funzo
38 Gamblor
39 Garbagewater
40 Glayvin
41 Groin-Grabbingly Transcendent
42 Hoaxiscope
43 Homersexual
44 Hoyvin-Mavin
45 I, for one, welcome our new (insert word) overlords
46 Interslice
47 Jebeditis
48 Jebus
49 Jerkass
50 Jerkface
51 Klauh Kalesh
52 Knowitallism
53 Kwyjibo
54 Learnding
55 Lupper
56 Malk
57 Malparkage
58 Meh
59 Milpool
60 Mmm, (gummi beers, chocolate, floor pie etc.)
61 Momato
62 Monsterometer
63 Nuclear Panner Plant
64 Nucleon
65 Nucular
66 Ovulicious
67 Panaphonics
68 Poindextrose
69 Possi-bligh
70 Posturologists
71 Pull a Homer
72 Quetzlzacatenango
73 “Radioactivity”
74 Rebigulator
75 Re-Deadening
76 Redorkulated
77 Retirony
78 Sacrilicious
79 Saxomophone
80 Scrabbleship
81 Scientician
82 Scotchtoberfest
83 Screamapillar
84 Shazbot
85 Shinning
86 Shirkaday
87 Skittlebrau
88 Smarch
89 S-M-R-T
90 Snacktacular
91 SNUH
92 Sophistimacated Dowhackey
93 Speedholes
94 Spirakeet
95 SSCCATAGAPP
96 Steamed Hams
97 Superliminal
98 Supernintendo Chalmers
99 Thrillho
100 Tomacco
101 Tramapoline / Trabopoline
102 Tunk
103 Unblowuppable
104 Unpossible
105 Vegetabletarian
106 Worst (insert word) Ever
107 Woozle Wuzzle
108 Xtapolapocetl
109 Yoink!
110 Yvan Eht Nioj

All comments to this post must use a Simpsons neologism.

Small Stars @ Rudyard’s

Saturday night I broke routine and followed my musical nose to the upstairs of Rudyard’s to catch The Small Stars.

Imagine, if you will, seven caricatures from some cheesy out of the way casino/lounge act in Reno, Nevada and you will begin to understand what The Small Stars are all about.

It’s pure “shtick” and they do it well. In fact, they do it VERY well. You see, they’re not just a bunch of hacks with a comedic idea, they are each skilled musicians and what they accomplish as an ensemble is nothing short of flabbergasting.

Featured in the band is Austin guitar legend Landis Armstrong (aka Richard Steele) from such noteworthy musical projects as McLemore Avenue and The El Orbits.

Cynthia jokingly suggests I have a big ole’ man crush on Landis. I suspect she’s right. He’s a nice guy and an amazing musician and whenever he performs in town I try to make it a point to go see him.

Oh Landis, if only someone could tame him…

The front man for The Small Stars goes by the stage name of Guy Fantasy. His real name is Miles Zuniga and is most famous for the song “The Way” he wrote and performed with the one hit wonder band Fastball in the 90’s. He’s incredibly funny and reminds me is subtle ways of a musical Bill Hicks.

On of the more entertaining characters is Vic Odin, the “manager” of the band who has some GREAT songs he sings and cracks me up when he’s running around the performance venue with his bullhorn.

All in all, a very enjoyable evening.

The Small Stars

The Small Stars

Vic Odin

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